http://twitter.com/ithnkimightbgay

This is the first (and last post) I write from my shiny new MacBook (and let me just say, I LOVE it!).  Yep, you read it right, this is my last post.  It's been a month since my last post and in that time, I've realized that the time has come for me to give this up.

Labels: Posting

Saturday night I realized I am becoming more comfortable with myself as a gay man.

This Saturday at boy's birthday party while talking to some people, I noticed a guy across the room from me that I recognized. At first I couldn't place where I recognized him from. After a little time I realized he is friend's with C, a female grad student in my department, who I'm not really friends with anymore.

My first year of grad school I hung out with Beth and C a lot. Beth and I became fast friends. C developed a large crush on me, which at first I was not aware of. Once I realized this, I politely confronted the situation and told her I just didn't share the feelings. I had hoped that being proactive would prevent awkwardness, but this was not to be. C became convinced that there was something going on between Beth and I (which I assure, there was not) and became very jealous and really acted extremely immaturely. I did my best to try to make peace, but it was futile and over time Beth and I stayed friends and C went off to do her own things.

In the short time that I was friends with C I met a few of her friends. One of which was the guy at the party Saturday night. At the time he and I met, I was still deep in the closet and he was completely out.

Saturday night after I realized where I knew him from I went over and said hi. I explained how we'd met a while ago and after a minute he remembered. We talked for a bit and he said he and C are still friends. Then he mentioned how he gets together with C and some other people for movie night once a month. He asked for my number and said he would call the next time they get together.

After I walked away I thought, "damn! why did you just give him your number," because I have no intention of hanging out with C again. I thought about it more and then realized that, although yes I did give him my number (I didn't get his*), that what I essentially did just do is out myself to someone that may not yet know.... ie C and I was fine with this.

It's nice to realize I am becoming more comfortable with who I truly am.


*One rule every gay man must learn is you do NOT... DO NOT answer calls from unknown numbers. You let if go to voicemail and then screen it.

Labels: coming out

Saturday night after the boy's birthday party, my best friend D told me I need to put a bag over my head.

He wasn't saying this to be mean or to imply that I am ugly.

On the contrary.

He actually told me I am too cute.

Guys seem to be falling all over themselves to ask me out.

This is all very new and foreign to me.

When I was "straight" girls never seemed to be into me.

Now more guys are interested then I know what to do with.

I know... it's a terrible problem to have.

Instead of explaining a long story about each guy, I decide to make a list, with snippets of info about each:

1. Boy: He's been mentioned... I asked him out... things are slowly progressing... He seemed a bit flaky, but I learned that he is pretty reserved so it's probably going to be me that will have to be making the moves, which will be good for me.
2. Guy #2 (from here on out each guy just gets a number for the time being): Mentioned previously. Saw him at Wallyball again this past week. He's very flirty and interested, but won't make the first move. I seem to waver back and forth on my interest in him so for the time being I am not going to do anything there.
   
3. Guy #3: Also mentioned previously. 21 y/o, works near me. I went out with him last Saturday to a Halloween party. Got really drunk (I know... lasted two weeks, feel free to mock) ended up making out with him at the club and later at his house. Somehow in my drunkiness I managed to stop things at just kissing and walk home. Although he is cute... there is a maturity level that is not there and I realize I am not into him at all. Since last Saturday he has been extremely persistent and wants to hang out again... it's becoming somewhat of a nuisance.
4. Guy #4: We met almost a year ago online and then lost touch. We recently reconnected on connexion. He is cute, but when compared to the others not as cute. He really wants to meet and hang out. Seems nice, but currently I don't know that I can handle anymore so he's on the back burner.
5. Guy #5: I didn't mention him in this post, but he was sitting on the other side of boy besides make out boy at the movie. I talked to him a fair bit that night after giving boy the cold shoulder. I had assumed he was dating this one guy he is always with; turns out they are best friend's (and said best friend is in a 1.5 yr relationship). Guy #5 is really attractive, gorgeous blue eyes and mature, with a great job. He is very interested and has made this clear, but in a completely nonthreatening way. We took our dogs to the dog park together Saturday. We share many common interests. The major downside to Guy #5 is he currently travels days 6 a week for work (in January it will go back to 3 days a week). D claims Guy #5 is a "serial dater." Despite this, I have to admit I am very taken by Guy #5.
6. Guy #6: Messaged me on connexion a while back, we have chatted back and forth some. Met for dinner Saturday night. He is not my typical "type" but quite cute. Again, mature, intelligent, well put together. Interested and has suggested we hang out again. He will be moving to California (permanently) for his job in a month or two. Due to this I am going to tell him that I would enjoy hanging out again, but only as friends.
7. Guy #7: Struck up a conversation with me last night at boy's birthday party. Flirted, asked if I was single. I explained I'm casually dating and honestly unsure what my current status is (due to boy). Today we chatted a bit online and he asked if he could ask me out on a date. I explained I really don't have the time (nor the energy) to "date" someone else, but I would be more then happy to be friends, which he was amicable to.

I think that covers everyone.

Those of you that are astute will realize I technically had 3 dates Saturday: Dog park with Guy #5, dinner with Guy #6, and boy's birthday party. This was totally unplanned and something completely new for me and although fun, not something I plan to repeat soon.

Right now I truly fell torn about what to do. I am afraid things may soon become problematic for several reasons (how bout another list?);

1. Boy and Guy #5 know each other and are friends and Guy #5 was even at boy's birthday party for a short while. So far, neither knows the other is perusing me or vice versa. (Also Guy #6 knows boy, but I'm not sure how close of friends they are.)
   
2. Boy and I have been out several times now and made out twice (though so far nothing more... I think due to the fact that, unlike most gay men, he is reserved [his word] and doesn't hookup on the first date). That being said he can come across as "flaky" and it makes me question whether he is truly interested or just "having fun".
3. Guy #5 is much more forward in his interest (but in a completely non-intimidating/threatening way). He is someone I could completely see myself dating (ie serious relationship) and I am really attracted to him, smitten might even be the right word.

I have at least decided that for the time being I am limiting my romantic interests to boy and guy #5. If it weren't for the fact that boy and guy#5 are friends (and share a lot of mutual friends) I would continue to date both casually until I was more prepared to make a decision. Since they are friends, this complicates things immensely and if I don't handle things well could really cause problems and potentially cause me to loose friends (if sides must be taken). I also don't want to hurt anyone. (D did promise me he will be my friend no matter how thing turn out with this, haha)

Currently I'm thinking that I will try go get a better idea of how boy feels this week. Guy #5 will be out of town all week. If boy can actually express that he is interested in more then just "having fun" I think I will continue to pursue things with him and suggest that Guy #5 and I just be friends for he time being, which seeing as how much we have in common (skiing, rock climbing, mountain biking, tennis... the list goes on) I would like. If boy can not make his intentions clear then I think I need to tell him that things just aren't working and I would be happy to be friends and then perhaps pursue things with Guy #5.

As I said this is all very foreign and new to me and I don't really have any idea what I'm doing. I have never "casually dated" before... let alone multiple people. I just hope I can manage to come out of this fairly unscathed, without a large amount of guys mad at me, and not all alone in the end.

-Tim

P.S. I just remembered, one of boy's friends (that doesn't know we have gone out) was drunk and pulled me into the hall and tried to make out with me at the birthday party Saturday. I stopped him and told him no and thankfully that is the end of that.

P.P.S. A reader sent me an e-mail asking about Aaron. As I'm sure everyone knows we broke up a while back. I saw him for he first time since the break up two weeks ago. We still chat some online and via text occasionally. We are friendly, but have yet to hang out. I think he might like to (as he invited me to a Halloween party), but right now I am so busy I am going to let him suggest it if he wants to. Plus, part of the reason we broke up is he really couldn't make time for me in his life, so although I am not mad at him and we are friendly, I don't really feel obligated to go out of my way to make time for him. That being said, if he suggests getting lunch together sometime at lab, etc if I have time I would be willing.

Labels: boy, Dating, Relationships

FINALLY!!! The updated MacBooks are out! I can't wait for mine to arrive!

Also, another "finally" involving the boy. Plans had been made to go to sushi last Wednesday, but he had to postpone them for a legitimate reason.

We went out last night. As always my friend (the sushi chef) made AMAZING sushi and the boy loved it and was totally impressed!

The "finally" came after dinner at my place though.

I have tons of stuff to do in lab right now, so I'll have to update you guys later... went to the gay club for the first time this weekend, I'll fill you in on all that (as well as some debauchery that occurred) later.

Labels: Apple, boy, Random Thoughts

This would make me happy! It would be exactly what I need right now!

It was painful for me to see Leopard released Friday and to not order my MacBook. Please let it be true!

In the mean time I've begun making a list of software that I will want to put on my MacBook once I get it.

For those of you that have Macs are there any suggestions for essential software that doesn't come with a Mac?

I know Adium is really popular as a multiprotocol chat program and I plan to use Boot Camp (for now at least to run XP when needed, as opposed to Parallels/Fusion. Any suggestions for other programs?

Labels: Apple

Ok, I need help from everyone. I have been invited to two Halloween parties on Saturday and I have no idea for a costume.

Monday, I saw Aaron for the first time since we ended things. We have talked since the breakup, but this was the first time we'd seen each other in person. It really wasn't awkward at all (at least for me... he seemed fine as well). We were both attending a seminar. We made small talk for a bit and then went in and each sat with your friends.

I realized a couple of things while sitting there waiting for the talk to begin. I was reminded of how cute he is. I still have pictures of him of course, but I guess I'd somewhat forgotten. The other thing I realized is that, I'm pretty sure the breakup was the right decision. It would be nice if we could be friends and hang out in the future, but I felt no desire to get back together with him.

That being said, one of the parties I was invited to is a party at Aaron's best friend's house. As it's at the exact same time as the other party I was invited to, and I think it maybe a bit early to attend a party with the ex and all of his friends, and I often felt out of place around his friends, I'm pretty sure I am going to pass on attending this party.

The second party I was invited to is shaping up to be a fairly large party at a martini bar downtown. This party has a theme: "Obsessions: Crushes, Superstars, or People You Love to Hate."

I've been debating the idea of just skipping both parties and staying home, but that's kind of lame. Part of the reason I've been thinking of this is I have NO IDEA what to be for this "Obsessions" party.

So, I'm asking all of you for suggestions for a costume idea.

I'd prefer something that I won't have to spend hours or tons of money working on.

Any ideas?

Labels: Aaron, Random Thoughts